Author Archives: ajr
We Did This To Ourselves
Fuck this shit! Fuck honesty! Fuck communication! Fuck you telling me it is my fault too! Don’t tell me what to do. Don’t tell me to own my part. You fucking own yours! And I scream and I cry and I cry some more. And I am dehydrated because all I ever do is cry […]
Virgin Mary, Jesus magic, & Selfishness
There are so many things spilling out of my broken heart right now. I should dance it out, but my body is too heavy and I feel I might split into pieces if I tried. So I write. I am scared. Scared of my feelings. Scared they are lies. Scared to make a decision I […]
Breathe
I just finished up my workout for the day. My hair in a sweaty pony tail, wearing electric pink sunglasses, a tank top, and sloppy sweat pants over my booty shorts because the grocery is always cold. I need to grab some dinner necessities before heading home. Windows down and music up, I pull into an […]
Proof
So many conversations. So many questions. They question who I say I am. Suspicions of flying a flag that does not belong to me. Suspicions of experimentation. Feeling shame and doubt every time I am asked to explain. Feeling shame and doubt every time I am asked to give my journey of experiences. Feeling the […]
Encounters With a Pole
*evidence of my Encounters With a Pole, Week 1 Prepping for a new performance work. Reading The Feminist Porn Book and Simone de Beauvoir. Taking pole dancing classes… What about my own sexuality is truly, innately mine, and what has been set on my shoulders by the people who have come before me in this evolution of humanity? Do […]
The Rock Broke Me
The rock broke me. The rock in the picture. It isn’t a difficult rock to climb. The route I was attempting is a VO (that is the easiest there is as far as bouldering ratings go). There I am, on the rock, the crash pad and my spotter below me- in case I fall. That […]
I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
Last night, sitting across from Him in a booth in Chipotle, I broke down sobbing. Literally sobbing. Tears were streaming down my face and into my burrito bowl. Gore Vidal said, “Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little.” Competition. Envy. Comparison. Pride. These things have been instilled in me since I was very young… […]
TTP
Fear morphs and cripples Irrationality comes Settles in deep Tension takes a hold Danger felt viscerally Mind, body, soul aflame Wildfire catches all Slowly immobilizing Uncontrollable
Sublimate/Refract/Metastasis
1. Sublime DEFINITION: Verb CHEMISTRY -(of a solid substance) change directly into vapor when heated, typically forming a solid deposit again on cooling. -cause (a substance) to do this. QUESTION: What does fear become when it moves into a different state? 2. Refraction DEFINITION: Noun PHYSICS -the fact or phenomenon of light, radio waves, etc., being […]
It is never the right day
Tired. Feeling sickness coming on. Emotionally exhausted from a fight with my partner. The drive takes twice as long as it is supposed to because of getting lost. Car sick from the winding curves up and down the mountains. Then a 40 minute hike to the cliffs. Halfway in, lose footing and slide about 10 feet down a […]
I'm Fucking Scared! 
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